The Uncertainty of Foster Care

We have now had D and P in our family for about 3 months and I think we are finally getting settled. I thought we were settled a few weeks in but looking back I now know that we weren't. Just learning the cues of each boy and how to respond to them has been a continuous learning experience. And they just keep changing! I really think that a lot of the change is them becoming more and more comfortable with us and letting their personalities show.

In my last post D had not yet smiled. Well he has the cutest little smile and laugh. Haha... I laugh just thinking about him. He is a cuddly little bug who loves to be loved and held a lot. He is also very active. He is still a little unsteady walking but rarely falls. So he gets into everything he possibly can. He has developed a bit of separation anxiety where he becomes quite angry when I go to the bathroom or even drop him off at visits with his mom. He definitely has a fiery personality. He will scream and throw himself on the floor if his brother takes a toy or if you don't pick him up when he demands.

Now P on the other hand is the complete opposite. He is more independent and quiet. He has a very gentle and sweet nature and has the cutest giggle and crinkly smile ever! He's starting to love books. He will sit by himself and babble while reading to himself. So adorable. Anyway... I could go on and on for hours telling you about all of their cuteness.

So it's now September and we are falling head over heals for these boys. Honestly I knew I wanted to adopt them the moment I first held them, but I think I have been unintentionally guarding my heart knowing there's a possibility of them leaving. Not to mention, I am reminded on a weekly basis that they aren't mine when I take them to their two hour visit with their mom. Thankfully the visits go well minus the separation anxiety at drop off. They seem to be happy when I get there to pick up and are excited when they get home and see their doggies and Booger, their MEOW.

So far we have been told that the parents, more specifically their mom is somewhat doing what is needed to get them back. And their Dad just got out of jail last week. We just had a permanency hearing in August where they discussed a very vague timeline for returning home and also the concurrent plan which would be adoption by a non-relative. The goal date for either situation is the end of February. They sent us a summary of the permanency plan about two weeks before the court hearing so we knew this information prior. We were so excited to read that it could possibly be over in February, not that we wanted them to leave, but the uncertainty would be over. It is a strange feeling to take care of these boys 24/7 like they are our own and then to be reminded at random times that they are not ours and that they may leave. Sometimes I even start imagining the process of the transition home. For instance, taking them for overnight visits and what those may look like and of course the final goodbye. It's honestly very anxiety inducing. 

So just as we felt we had some answers and a glimpse of what the next few months will look like, the judge says, "but if you (bio mom) need more time in February, we will give you another 6 months". Haha! Well there goes any certainty! Things could go in so many different directions. 

So for now we continue waiting to see what unfolds in the months to come...

It's TWINS!!!

It has been just over a month since we received the call for Tarzan and Sweety. Since then we have only gotten one call. It was for a 10 month old baby girl. We said yes but they called us back to inform us that she had a 12 year old sister and they wanted to place them together so they found a different family. We have also done respite three times. Twice for sisters who are 3 and 4 years old and once for a sibling set of a 9 year old boy, 7 year old girl, and 5 year old boy. The respite was a really good experience. They were all great kids but it helped us to solidify our age range for placements of 0-2 years old. We do not have any children of our own, so no parenting experience, so our thought is to start out from the beginning.

On another note... yesterday we received our third placement! Twins! That's right TWINS!! Reason for removal? Yep you guessed it... meth. :(  They are 13 month old fraternal twin boys, very fraternal! They are opposites in coloring both hair and skin. But they are the same size, a very chunky 23 pounds. They are so adorable. D is very shy. The poor little guy hasn't laughed yet but he has the most beautiful blue eyes. P is very outgoing and has the most adorable smile, his eyes get all squinty and his nose wrinkles.

We got the call at about 11 am yesterday. I was told that the caseworker would call to set up the details of dropping them off but that we were for sure getting them. So while I was waiting for the call I went to get another carseat and highchair and set up everything I could think of for twins 13 month olds. Well it wasn't until 4 pm that the caseworker finally called and said she would get to our house around 5 or 5:30. Oh man the anticipation...she finally drives up at 5:15. We both went out to her car and there they were! It's interesting how your imagination makes up what a person is going to look like before you've met them. I assumed they would be identical or at least look alike. Man was I wrong. D was sleeping. And P was wide awake with big unsure eyes holding a Mickey Mouse flashlight. The caseworker told us that their mom said D is the cranky one and P is the happy one. Sure enough she said D cried the entire 45 minute drive and had just fallen asleep. They were obviously teething as they were both drooling like crazy. Their top two incisors are about half way in. Their walk is very unsteady like they had only been walking for a couple of weeks. We held them for the first 10 or 15 minutes before they got down to explore the toys.

Their first night went well. They went down pretty easily and slept through the night, about 12 hours!
I feel like I am running on adrenaline. I am not quite sure what I'm doing so I am definitely over anticipating everything. I'm guessing that this feeling is going to last awhile, at least until we get into some kind of routine. Haha... still figuring that out. But you know what? At the same time I am feeling so blessed to have these boys in our family already! While having twins is going to be a challenge, they honestly feel like the perfect fit.

On another note, you know when we were first thinking about doing foster care I was worried that we wouldn't be able to because of all of our pets. We have two pit bulls and two cats. Yes Pit Bulls!!! But no one cared as long as they didn't have an aggressive history. Man they have been an amazing blessing. They are like therapy pets to these kids who come to our home! They are like ice breakers. They lick them and sit next to them. The boys like to sit on them and hug and kiss them! So if you have pets and are questioning whether or not you should or could do foster care because of them, think again!!! You can!

Can we handle this?

The waiting has ceased for the moment! We have gotten our second placement of two 2 year olds! "Tarzan" is a boy and he is almost three. "Sweety" is his sister and is just over two. This was also an emergency placement but this time it happened much faster. It was only an hour and a half from the time of the call to the moment they came through the door.

Writing about this placement makes me very sad. These poor kids have five other siblings and have been severely abused. Unfortunately after about three hours with Tarzan and Sweety we realized that we were not experienced enough to keep them. During those three hours I had been bitten and hit. Our table had been climbed on and Tarzan had locked himself in a bedroom multiple times and hung from our chandelier. I was so ashamed to have to call the caseworker and tell her that I couldn't handle it. But I knew it would be in their best interest to go now than to get attached and have to move in a couple of days or weeks. For a few days after they left I was honestly depressed and so discouraged. In training they warn you about behavioral issues and prep you for hard kids. So now I am thinking maybe I am not meant to be a foster parent? Are all of the kids going to be this difficult?

As a foster parent you have to do 20 hours of training per year to keep your license. Well Hope and Home offers their foster parents monthly support group which will fulfill those hours! Another amazing perk to being a Hope and Home family! A couple of weeks after Tarzan and Sweety left we had our support group. I have to say I was so encouraged. We hadn't received a call for a placement since they had left and we felt as though we had been blacklisted. I honestly thought that because we didn't keep them that DHS didn't want to place any kids with us. I expressed these feelings at our support group and was so encouraged that we did the right thing. Our leader, who is an amazing foster mom, said that in foster care you need to have limits and it does no one any good to go outside them. I felt so supported and reassured that we did the right thing.

Later we did find out that Tarzan had many behavioral and developmental delays which were not disclosed when we had received the call. I am happy to report that they are now with a highly experienced foster family who has had many difficult toddlers.

So now we wait SOME MORE!!!

First placement!!!

We welcomed our first placement on Friday! Of course Drew, my husband, was out of town for work and at about 10:30 pm I get the call for an emergency placement of a two year old little girl. The reason for removal without too many details, meth. Almost every foster parent that I know has a placement that has been removed due to methamphetamine use. It's a serious problem that is ravaging our children! But that topic is for another time. So I call Drew and we decide YES we will take her! Now this doesn't necessarily mean she will come with us. So we start more waiting. DHS is then presented with families who have said yes from multiple agencies, and from that group they make a decision. So finally at 11:45 pm I get the call that they picked us! The caseworker from DHS then asks if I will meet her at a Walmart parking lot to get her! Oh my goodness, I was so nervous. Not only am I driving to pick up our very first placement and have no idea what to expect, but I am driving to a Walmart parking lot in the middle of the night! So we agree to get there by 12:30. I am there at 12:20 and wait until 1 am! Finally she arrives. The caseworker parks right next to me, gets out, says an extremely quick hello, and proceeds to open the back passenger door. There she was, this little girl with the most terrified tear filled eyes. She's wearing all pink except for her little tan peacoat. The caseworker tells me she has been crying for the past hour straight and here are her things. A little purse with a onsie and two diapers. Then she says, I have to go to another case, thank you.

Wow! That is not what I had expected! So we make the 15 minute drive home and she doesn't cry. Thankfully. At this point I am running on adrenaline. I am shaky with anxiety and well the most nervous I have ever been. I carry her through the door and our dogs greet her with tail wags and kisses and she laughs! That was the moment I knew everything would be ok. I put her down and she wandered around the house until she found the cat, Booger. It was love at first sight. Haha... For the next ten minutes or so she followed him around meowing in her adorable little voice. I gave her a tour of the house, as we are supposed to do so within the first 24 hours. I probably could've waited until the morning but I think I needed some time to think about what I was going to do next.

Now came bedtime. She was terrified and refused to go to sleep in the crib in her room. So I set up a pack n' play in our room and she fell asleep in about 3 minutes. She slept until 10:30 the next day. Poor thing was exhausted. When she finally woke up she ate some breakfast and requested "leche". I discovered she only spoke spanish! Haha... as if it wasn't going to be challenging enough, we have to add a language barrier too?! Later that day we went to Kohl's to get her some diapers and clothes, as you remember she came with two diapers and a onsie. She loved shopping and was such a good girl. She liked to hold my hand and picked out everything that was pink!

After shopping we went to the park. She was very shy and didn't want to do the swings and was hesitant to go down the slide without assistance. First thought in my mind was that she'd never been to a park before? But looking back now she was probably just terrified. I was no longer terrified so she shouldn't be either, right? As each day went on she became more and more comfortable. She started to play and laugh and talk a lot more. I'll never forget when she picked up a toy cell phone and said, "Esta Mama?". I almost started crying. You can't help but be angry. Who could do this to their sweet little girl? Look at her? Completely confused and scared. But wow she is so brave at the same time! Look at her resilience! She hasn't been sitting around all day moping and crying. She's been playing and dealing with her circumstances. I know I couldn't be that strong.

Nights were the hardest for her. I would have to rock her to sleep for about one hour and make sure she was completely out before putting her down. Otherwise she would wake up and start screaming. Thankfully once she was out, she was out.

So when you get a placement, within 24 hours your home supervisor has to come to your home and collect all of your new placement paperwork and check to see how things are going. Our home supervisor didn't come until Monday since it was a weekend. This meeting was definitely a test to see how much I had remembered from training. Well I definitely forgot some things with all of the excitement of "L" coming! But she helped me through what I was missing. She ensured me that she seemed to be adjusting well under the circumstances. This is where Hope and Home is different. They really care about their foster parents and their job is to be our support, which is an amazing feeling because otherwise I would've been alone. No one else you know can help you through this experience as most people aren't foster parents.

Now fast forward to Tuesday at 4 pm. I get a call from the caseworker who says, can you bring L down to DHS? I say of course, for what and when? Her mom is here to pick her up, can you come as soon as possible? My heart drops. I have not been told any information about the case and this was a shocking surprise. For all I knew we would have her for another year! So I get off the phone and run downstairs to tell Drew and I just start crying. Why am I getting so emotional?! We've only had her for 4 1/2 days! I was already getting attached to her and I was worried about who and what she was going back to.

We made the 30 minute drive to DHS and I start telling her in the car that we are going to see her Momma. And her face lit up. She kept looking out the car window anticipating seeing her. When we went into the building they went to get the caseworker and her mom and aunt. Man those five minutes felt like an hour. All of these questions kept racing through my mind. What is she going to look like? What is she going to say? What am I going to say? What is L going to do? The elevator doors finally open and her momma comes running out crying and saying something in spanish. L just looked at her with a blank stare. She didn't try to go to her but she didn't resist either. Her aunt thanked me for taking care of her and I handed her L's things. Then I was told I could leave by the caseworker.

When I arrived home the feeling in the house was strange. It was now more quiet than it had ever been. But at the same time I was suddenly exhausted and felt relieved to have my freedom back. It's a very strange feeling to go from having no kids to suddenly taking care of another persons child like your own 24/7. After a couple of days we were anxious to get another call. Now starts the inevitable wait...

Foster-to-adopt?

We are officially licensed! Yay! The process to become licensed has been long and we have not been very patient- at all. To start the process we attended an informational meeting at Hope and Home (hopeandhome.org), the agency we are currently licensed through, at the end of October. Wow! What an amazing place! We received a tour of the building which is so homey and welcoming. Right when you walk in you are welcomed with smiles and a barista bar! The walls are covered in murals depicting the location of Venice. They have a large play room for supervised visits with bio parents, a full kitchen, and multiple rooms all purposed to serve the needs of the children, bio parents, and foster parents. Anyway...we were then asked a series of questions like, why we are interested in foster care, a little bit about our background, and things we like to do. Next we were shown a video about a family and their first placement of three boys and how they adopted them. Lets just say there were a lot of tears and at the end of the video we were like, sign us up! To finish the tour we were told we could start training on Friday, which was in three days!!!

The training was one month long with classes every tuesday and thursday for three hours. Along with one eight hour saturday. The training was amazing, but honestly could not possibly prepare you for the reality of what is foster care. They taught a lot on attachment and loss, parenting with grace and love, and the types of children and reasons why they come into care. The later was one of the hardest classes. The real life images of abused children and the conditions from which they were removed were hard to see. It was such a shock to know that these things are happening to the children in our country, in our town, in our neighborhood! But to hear the stories of where these children are now and how they've been saved is so redeeming.

After the training is over there is a ton of paper work. It really never ends. You thought there was a lot of paperwork when buying a house? Well that's nothing! Then comes the waiting...the background checks. Oh man. This is where we were extremely inpatient and frustrated. We turned in our background paper work in the middle of November and our background check didn't come back until April 4th! Five months! But along with the call that we were licensed, came a call for three boys! Six, three, and 10 months! We were so overwhelmed that we had to pass. And here's where the emotional roller coaster starts. The anxiety, the guilt, and then the relief that they found a good home.

So here we are after all of this waiting, waiting some more...

It's nice to meet you!

Welcome! My vision for this blog is to give people who are interested in foster care and or adoption a glimpse of what it is really like to go through the entire process- from the info session to getting your first placement and everything in between.

To start I'd like to introduce myself. I am a twenty-something Christ following wife, mother of four furry kids, veterinary technician, cross fitter, hiker, baker, bike rider, snowboarder, and soon to be foster parent whose heart is overflowing with love for kids. My husband and I have always wanted to adopt but weren't sure what that would look like for our family. We have been told that having biological children will be nearly impossible without any medical intervention so adoption was honestly a no brainer. I am not going to sugar coat things and say that finding out about my infertility wasn't hard, because it was very hard and heart breaking. But after the shock subsided we realized that God has a plan for our family and adoption really is going to be apart of it.

Over a few months we read a lot about private adoption and even went to two different adoption agencies informational meetings. But then one night at a church conference we met some friends of my brother and sister-in-law who were foster parents. They went on and on about how it was the best thing they had ever done while also being the hardest. When we got home I googled Hope and Home, the agency they fostered through, and went through every inch of their website. They had some testimonial videos that were tear jerking and just wow. I immediately thought that this was what we were meant to do. Well my husband Drew still needed to be convinced. He was apprehensive at first but once he watched the videos he agreed to go to a meeting. So here we are waiting for our background checks to come back, the last step before becoming licensed...